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Benelli Wannabe !
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If you have time of course, :rolleyes:

From VIZ magazine~

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wifes growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is 'satisfied that David Kelly took his own life'. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

I'd like to congratulate the marketing geniuses responsible for naming the new A1 motor racing championship. Now they have craftily secured pole position in the Yellow Pages, surely there will be no stopping them. Bernie Eccles-tone will have to think again.
Aardvark Mansell

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story.

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product.

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix.. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done. I wish they'd make their f*cking minds up.

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.

The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.


The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.


If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?


They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.


If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?


They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.


If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .


In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.


These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.


Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.


We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.


Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .


I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.


Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.


So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.


To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.


I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one


:rolling:



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Benelli Wannabe !
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6,865 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Viagara !

:D In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name
> and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol
> also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call
> Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
>
> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
> After careful consideration by a team of government experts,
> it recently announced that it has settled on the generic
> name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
> Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
>
>
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
> available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola
> as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now
> be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
> Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
> gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
> 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff
> drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
> of: MOUNT & DO.
>
> Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on
> breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
> research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
> elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and
> absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
:D

:rolleyes:



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Tougher than Piles

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FORYEARS.
>>
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
>>
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.He Told Her He Couldn't.stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural..



She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned
That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out.
>>
The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One
Thanksgiving Morning As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards And Neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Par Ts And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.
>>
She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpan Ts And Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts

Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual
Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The Bath Room.

The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her Eyes! After Years Of Torture She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good..
>>
About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Downstairs In His Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Was The Matter.
>>
He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And I Didn't Listen To You'.
>>
'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.
>>
'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out, And Today It Finally Happened.'
>>
>> But By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And Two Fingers. I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.
 

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Benelli Wannabe !
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6,865 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '


:rolling:



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Benelli Wannabe !
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·

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Administrator
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972 Posts
The Meaning of 'Service'

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Cable 'Service'




This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.
 

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Administrator
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972 Posts
The blond joke to end all...

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.

The blond cop asked to see the blond's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
 

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Benelli Wannabe !
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6,865 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
60 yrs of NHS

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady
Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with
chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Hospital
Do you know which ward she is in?

Lady
Yes, ward P, room 2B

Hospital
I'll just put you through to the nurse station

Nurse
Hello ward P, how can I help?

Lady
I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition
had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Nurse
I'll just check her
notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

Lady
Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

Nurse
You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

Lady -
No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.
Nobody tells you fuck all in here...' :D


:rolling:



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Benelli Wannabe !
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6,865 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
> > >
> > >
> > >1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a
> > >hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
> > >
> > >
> > >2) Page yourself over the intercom.
> > >Don't disguise your voice.
> > >
> > >
> > >3) Insist that your e mail address is:
> > >[email protected]
> > >[email protected]
> > >
> > >
> > >4) Every time someone asks you to do
> > >something, ask if they want fries with that.
> > >
> > >
> > >5) Encourage your colleagues to join
> > >you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
> > >
> > >
> > >6) Put your garbage can on your desk
> > >and label it "IN."
> > >
> > >
> > >7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
> > >
> > >
> > >8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
> > >gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
> > >
> > >
> > >9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
> > >
> > >
> > >10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
> > >
> > >
> > >11) Finish all your sentences with
> > >"In accordance with the prophecy."
> > >
> > >
> > >12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
> > >lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it
> > >that way.
> > >
> > >
> > >13) Don't use any punctuation
> > >
> > >
> > >14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
> > >
> > >
> > >15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
> > >answer.
> > >
> > >
> > >16) Specify that your drive-through
> > >order is "to go."
> > >
> > >
> > >17) Sing along at the opera.
> > >
> > >
> > >18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
> > >
> > >
> > >19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
> > >Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective
> > >if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
> > >
> > >
> > >20) Send e-mail to the rest of the
> > >company to tell them what you're doing.
> > >For example, "If anyone needs me,
> > >I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
> > >
> > >
> > >21) Put mosquito netting around your
> > >cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
> > >
> > >
> > >22) Five days in advance, tell your
> > >friends you can't attend their party
> > >because you're not in the mood.
> > >
> > >
> > >23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
> > >
> > >
> > >24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
> > >
> > >
> > >25) Have your co-workers address you
> > >by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
> > >
> > >
> > >26) When the money comes out of the
> > >ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
> > >
> > >
> > >27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
> > >yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
> > >
> > >
> > >28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me,
> > >its the voices in your head that do."
> > >
> > >
> > >29) Tell your children over dinner.
> > >"Due to the economy, we are going to
> > >have to let one of you go."
> > >
> > >
> > >30) Every time you see a broom, yell
> > >"Honey, your mother is here!"
> > >And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >HAVE A NICE DAY!



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Jeezuz H Christ of all things hairy Rob! That picture brought back a few memories mate:rolling:
I hate to admit this but bugger it, you only live once.
You ever been out on a night out with your mate and you meet a couple of girls (one of which is a monster) and the good looking one fancies your mate, but he's only on a promise if you go with the ugly one?
That happened to me years and years ago and my mate at the time begged me to go with the 'bird' that's in Robs picture. I swear, she was that big!!
So we go back to the monsters house as her parents were away on holiday and my mate went into one bedroom with the stunner and I got pushed into the other bedroom by whatever her name was (Let's call her Helga for now).
Helga proceeds to chuck me about like a rag doll and gets me on the bed and then just kinda 'flumps' herself on top of me. After I managed to get my breathing under control and blood started to circulate around my whole body again I realised that something didn't feel right. The amount of flesh that was covering my body was just too much to handle as she huffed and puffed away on top of me like an asthmatic hippo. What I originally thought were her tits bouncing off of me were just rolls of fat:eek: She stopped after about what seemed like five minutes (coulda been two but it felt like a bloody lifetime) and said something that will stay with me to the day I die.
She said .... "Dae yi fancy a baked tattie?"
Obviously her aerobics routine had burned up what calories she could muster without having to think about stuffing her face with food and she couldn't continue with our passion filled sex session.
To be honest I was a bit shocked at first because I thought "You cheeky bitch, I'm trying my hardest here to keep going and use up all my mind power to stop myself from heaving all over your bed and all you can think about is food!!!!"
So I replied .... "Have you got any cheese?"
She said she had and the two of us ended up standing in her mum and dads kitchen (still naked) listening to the hum of a microwave and looking through the glass to watch two of the worlds biggest potatoes being zapped while she grated the cheese. I swear, I've never seen so much flesh move just through the simple act of grating cheese:rolling:
So ten minutes later we're in the kitchen munching on hot baked potatoes and cheese, naked, with me playing "where the hell is your chuff?" game to myself and watching her eating like a pig.
The things you do for a mate are sometime just way beyond the call of duty and for me that was one of them:D

Al (I now know my limits and I'm sticking to them):D
 
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