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president
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
dear benelli family.....please feel free to add your own crap jokes.....i will have to consult with the offical head of competitions( big bad al ) to see if we can come up with a suitable prize for the crapiest joke.

For all the intellectuals on the forum, i think the poetry competition will follow....please be patient :rolling: :rolling:
 

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president
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
here's my effort

a 3 legged dog walks into a wild west saloon and goes up to the bartender and says " whiskey"
" bloody hell its a talking dog" replies the bartender.
with this the dog pulls out his pistol and says

" im looking for the man who shot my paw" :rolling: :ele: :rolling: :ele:
 
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Sorry.. in advance.. sorry

2 FISH IN A TANK

1 SAY TO THE OTHER

"ANY IDEA HOW TO DRIVE THIS THING"


:doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:

I DID SAY SORRY TO START WITH
 

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Lets lower the tone!!!

Why did the baker have brown hands???

Cos he kneaded a poo!!! :rolling: :rolling:
 

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A man walks into a butcher's shop and says to the butcher "I bet you can't reach the meat off that top shelf"....

The butcher declined the bet because "The steaks were too high"
:doh:

Stephen R.
 

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Did you hear the one about the Gay Smuggler?

He had a false bottom in his suitcase
:eek:

(I think that's enough from me!).

S
 

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The old ones are the worst ! ! !

What do you call a
Welsh man
with a sheep under each arm




A Playboy:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:
 

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president
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
crap joke

bloke goes to the doctors and says.........doctor, youve got to help me......every night i wake up,go downstairs and put my dick in the biscuit tin.......can you tell me whats wrong with me............yes says the doctor..........your fucking crackers :rolling: :rolling:
 

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Hey Sharky - where did you hear that one !!

Here's one, bear with it, it is a bit long


When he was young his mother told Johnny that women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it.

So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.

They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mother told me about you women.

You women have teeth between your legs.". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.

She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".

He tells her, "it's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."
 

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The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and

took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite,"

said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke,"

said the second little piggy.

"I want beer,


lots and lots of beer,"

said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out

and the waiter took their

orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak,"

said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate,"

said the second piggy.

"I want beer,

lots and lots of beer,"

said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out

and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split,"

said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake,"

said the second piggy.


"I want beer,

lots and lots of beer,"

exclaimed the third little piggy.




"Pardon me for asking,"

said the waiter to the

third little piggy,"



But why have you only

ordered beer all evening?"





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody

has to go

'Wee, wee, wee,

all the way home!
 

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It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
 

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears
 

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Joe had been suffering terrible headaches for over 20 years, finally he found a doctor who could cure the problem.

He sat down in the doctor's office and the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that

it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates

one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was free of his headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years".

Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked about some new underwear? "

He thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you

one hell of a headache." ..................

New suit - £400

New shirt - £30

New underwear - £5

Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in
classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:


"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering
if
you were my son".
 

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,
he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
 

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really crap joke

Hi how about a visual joke?
for this to work you will have to stand with your feet shoulder width apart, now crouch down into a skiing position,ask someone near by if they can guess who you are and what you are doing. Now start making circles with your hips, start of with the biggest circle you can, but gradually make the circles smaller.

when they give up tell them its mister whippy having a crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry, but i bet you all tried it
 
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One for our friends down under

Paddy goes off to aussie to become a sheep farmer.
After 6 months his neighbour from the next farm comes round to see him and make sure all is well.
Paddy is walking across to the barn with a sheep under his arm his neighbour pulls up in his truck
He shouts to Paddy "Ga'day Paddy are ya shearing"

And Paddy shouts back "sod off and get your own this babies all mine" :rolling:
 

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A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told passengers that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me

over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."


She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."


To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."
 

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At school the teacher announced to the class they were having a vocabulary lesson. She then proceeded to ask "Who can use the word urinate in a sentence?"
Little Johnny raises his hand immediately, nearly jumping out of his seat. The teacher reluctantly calls on him, worried at what he might say.
Little Johnny states "Urinate, but if ya had bigger tits, you'd be a ten" :rolling:

The next day, once again time for the vocabulary lesson, the teacher asks who can spell out a 10-letter word. Again, Little Johnny nearly throws his arm out
of its socket trying to be the first one to raise his hand. The teacher is silently thinking "now what could he possibly come up with" and decides to take a chance.
Little Johnny says "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-E masturbate", to which the teacher replies, "Well, Johnny, that's quite a mouthful". Little Johnny quickly responds,
"No, that would be a blowjob"
 

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Different ending to KurtP's joke.

Different ending to KurtP's joke. Changes bits in BLUE.

When he was young his mother told Johnny that women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it.

So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.

They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mother told me about you women.

You women have teeth between your legs.". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.

She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and as she does she lets out a fart..

Johny jumps up, grabs his coat and heads for the door. "Now what's wrong!" says the girl, to which johny replies, "LOOK! I'm not daft, if it can bark, it can BITE, I'm off !!!!".
 
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