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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Why do satellite navigation systems have womens voices programmed on them?
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Because if they had men's voices women drivers wouldn't pay a blind bit of notice to them!
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance, and for this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.

Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news....."

"The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Hovis Account."
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
New Style Flat Screen TV's

Got one of those new flat screen televisions from Ireland, pain in the arse to fit and is definately worth following the pictorial instructions!

:doh:
 

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Construction Employees

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

"Supplies!!"

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
An Octopus walks into a bar & says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like".


An Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix. The locals are in awe.


An Irishman asks him to play the piano which he does better than Elton.


The locals are now staring in stunned disbelief at the skill of the Octopus.


At this point a Scotsman throws him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes.


The Scotsman says "What's wrong, can ye no play it?"


"Play it?" says the Octopus. "I'm gonna f##k her brains out once i get her pyjamas off" !!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Merry Christmas!

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a £20 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
Light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got
there sir.

Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING FEMALE PERSONAL ADS:
1. 40-ish.................................49.
2. Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
3. Athletic...............................No breasts.
4. Average looking...................Moooo.
5. Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
6. Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
7. Feminist..............................Fat.
8. Free spirit............................Junkie.
9. Friendship first.....................Former slut.
10. New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places.
11. Old-fashioned.....................No BJs.
12. Open-minded.....................Desperate.
13. Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing.
14. Professional........................B$tch.
15. Wants soul mate................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMENS' ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
 

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.


"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.


"So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or
you'll answer to me!"


St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Al:ele:
 

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A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

Al:ele:
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
How the Virgin Child became his name!

The three wise men arrived to visit the child
lying in the manger. One of the wise men was
exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the
low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph
"It's better than Derek."
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f**ked?"

The fellow said "No." She said "You will be when the tide comes in.
 

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New priest

:p

A priest retiring from service is giving advice to the new priest and was telling him where all the hymm books were, how many Hail Mary's he should give for various sin's etc etc. When satisfied that the new priest was familiar with everthing bid fairwell and left.

On the new priests first day a woman enters the sinners box and said "forgive me father for I have sinned" "What have you done my child" said the priest, to which the woman replied "I gave a man who I have only just met a blow job". A few minutes go by as the priest goes through his notes only to find nothing about a blow job.

Just then a choir boy walks past, the priest say's to the boy "what did the old priest give for a blow job" to which the boy replies "£5.00 and a kitkat! :rolling:
 

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The budding diplomat

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

No sooner had he finished his sentence that he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "... and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and hockey players."

"Really?" exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


:clap: :clap: :clap:
:doh: :doh: :doh:
 

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Men strike back!

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in but your wife doesn't.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 

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news flash.......the police have just arrested a dyslexic father christmas in ipswich.......he kept putting prossies under trees

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Or... Ipswich's football match has been cancelled this afternoon.

Aparentlya dyslexic murderer has kiled oal there substitutes!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Or... Ipswich Rugby Footbal Club are in need of new players urgently..... they recently lost 5 of their hookers!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Or...

Found in Ipswich Local Newspaper Job Section

Job vacancy... prostitutes required, Ipswich area. Good rates of pay, but the shifts are murder!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Cop on a horse!

A cop on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did santa get you that bike for Christmas?"

"Yep!" Replies the girl."

"Well tell him to put a reflector and lights on it next time!" He tells her as he hands her a £10 fine.

Little girl looked up and says to the cop," Nice horse, did santa bring you it?"

The cop chuckles," he sure did!"

Little girl replies," Well next year, tell santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top!!!!"



Andy
 
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